(no subject)
May. 31st, 2005 10:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sai_delgadoShe leads him out of the bar and down the hallway to her quarters-- not out by the lake, nor to the stables, not for this, she thinks. Not any place where someone else might come.
Susan opens the door to let them both in, then gently tugs at his hand again, drawing Cuthbert across the room to the small sofa and to sit by her side.
Susan opens the door to let them both in, then gently tugs at his hand again, drawing Cuthbert across the room to the small sofa and to sit by her side.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 05:22 am (UTC)"There's nothing to be worried about, Susan, truly. I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise."
And it hurts to say that, to sit here and actively try to deceive her--but it's the least painful option right now.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 05:29 am (UTC)She knows it's not so; he'd not act like this if it were, and Alain's words ring in her memory now.
(It hurts them, to speak of it. To think of it. I know that. But sometimes it's needful to speak of such things anyway...)
"Don't-- thee don't have to hide, not from me."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 05:35 am (UTC)"If there were something thee needed to know, I'd tell thee. I promise."
Close enough to the truth.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 05:47 am (UTC)And she knows what her da' would advise, if he were here.
(three paths - no more secrets)
She takes a deep breath, and says steadily, her hands still linked with his, "And others-- others might do the same now, do'ee ken? Alain would, I know; he-- he has, say true, when there were that I needed to hear."
Very, very steadily.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 05:51 am (UTC)Very softly, "Do you say so?"
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 05:56 am (UTC)So quietly-- so very quietly, but each word clear. She sits very still, searching his face.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:00 am (UTC)He stops, pauses, orders his voice not to shake, and goes on.
"What was it he told you of, then? There's still much from our pasts you don't know..."
And he's praying to every god he ever believed in or didn't that Alain didn't tell her--
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:11 am (UTC)Or so she's always hoped, even if Susan's not allowed herself to think much beyond each day they've been given, now-- she's quit daring to believe in a future, not after her past.
But such things are not for this moment, and so she meets his gaze with love and compassion clear.
"He told me of Jericho Hill, 'Bert. Of-- of how he died, and why his presence -- why it were grief to thee and to Roland to see him, at first."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:17 am (UTC)He had no idea.
He stares wordlessly at their joined hands, and tries to remember how to breathe.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:27 am (UTC)She leans forward a little, as if to emphasize her words.
"It were a mistake-- but it weren't your fault."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:33 am (UTC)Still hasn't looked at her.
In fact, there's been no ral outward change at all--and yet he seems somehow to pull away, to draw back from her and fold in on himself.
His hands are shaking, but other than that he's perfectly still.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:39 am (UTC)"...'Bert?"
She doesn't let go of his hands, but holds to them as if to a lifeline.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:46 am (UTC)I will let you down
wants to push her away because there's blood on his hands,
I will make you hurt
and even if they're careful she'll end up stained with it, the way she did before.
He finally draws in breath, and it's a ragged gasp, and he lets it out on the only words he's capable of right now.
"We didn't know it was him."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 06:55 am (UTC)"Of course thee didn't-- if thee had known..." She trails off, and oh, but it's obvious, isn't it?
If they'd known, Alain wouldn't have died at the hands of his friends.
"It were ka-- and it's not fair, that it should have happened so, but it's not thy fault."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:03 am (UTC)"You can't blame ka for everything, Susan."
Tears are stinging his eyes now, and he squeezes them shut as he says, low but fierce, "We're not supposed to make mistakes like that."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:08 am (UTC)She wants to reach out to him, wants to comfort, but for the moment settles for putting her newly-freed hand over the two of theirs that are still entwined and squeezing slightly.
"But I do blame it for this, 'Bert, do'ee not see? Thee aren't supposed to make mistakes like that-- mayhap it's so, but thee aren't-- thee aren't perfect."
"And ka is cruel."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:13 am (UTC)But the tension finally flows out of him, and he sinks back against the couch, eyes still closed.
"He forgave us. Before he died, and again when he arrived here."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:25 am (UTC)That doesn't make sense, he knows. After all, it's not as if Alain blaming them would be easy to live with. But no one ever said the ways in which you relate to your second-best friend who you accidentally killed had to make sense.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:32 am (UTC)"Do'ee-- do thee say so, then? Ye think that?" Gently said, though.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:51 am (UTC)The tears are overspilling now, and he doesn't bother trying to fight them, or brush them away.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 07:56 am (UTC)"Oh, 'Bert... it's because he loves thee. And he truly doesn't believe that it's yer fault. That's why."
"It were a mistake-- an accident, aye. Thee didn't know. Would'ee blame another so?"
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 04:23 am (UTC)It's not the same, he wants to say--but he knows there's no real reason it's different. Only the irrational, forceful voice in his heart that insists he's sinned against his brother in ways he can never repay. Alain's forgiveness wasn't enough to drown that voice out--he doubts anything will be.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 04:38 am (UTC)But better he confront this pain here with her, Susan thinks, than for him to face this unexpectedly from another, if this story is in those books too-- and she fears that it may be.
Gently, she puts her fingers under his chin and attempts to turn his face toward her, her eyes searching his.
"... do'ee blame Roland?"
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 04:46 am (UTC)And then he stares at her for a moment, and then looks down, with a half-smile that's gone before it's ever really there.
"Alright, it's official. I lose at logic."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 04:53 am (UTC)"Nay-- ye are merely harder on yerself than thee are with those that thee love, 'Bert, say true."
A beat, and her words are steady and certain and honestly spoken.
"It wasn't yer fault."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 04:57 am (UTC)At length, he looks back up at her, one hand moving to brush her hair back.
"I...I didn't want you to know. Say sorry."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 05:01 am (UTC)"Aye, I ken-- but why? Did thee think that thee needed to hide this from me?"
No blame, say true, but quiet curiosity.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 05:07 am (UTC)His hand moves to rest on her shoulder for a moment, and then slides down her arm, but the touch is carefully light now, as if he's afraid of hurting her.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 05:12 am (UTC)"It were Alain told me, when-- when I needed to know-- and I've not spoken of it with anyone but him, until now."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 05:16 am (UTC)"I know thee wouldn't, Susan. Unless thee thought it was needed, as he did. And I say thankya for that."
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 05:19 am (UTC)She lifts her free hand to brush against his cheek once more.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 05:23 am (UTC)Maybe...maybe it's right, that she should know, in spite of all his internal objections to it. Maybe.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-02 05:36 am (UTC)(oh Dave I'm sorry what did I do)
Susan gently traces her fingers over the arch of his cheek, murmuring something soft and wordless.