(no subject)

[sai_delgado]

[OOC: After this.]

It is dark, but she does not care, say true. Susan is sitting on the grass near the stable, knees drawn up and arms resting on them. Her face is buried in her arms, and her unbraided hair spills about her in a golden fall, hiding her from the world.

She is very still, and absolutely quiet.

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[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

After his conversation with Alain, Cuthbert had thought to walk outside for a bit before turning in, in the hopes of clearing his head and calming himself down.

Any calmness he might have achieved shatters like glass when he sees Susan.

He's at her side in a heartbeat, kneeling, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders.

"...Susan?"

[sai_delgado]

Lost in the darkness of her own thoughts, she hadn't heard him approaching, and so didn't notice his presence until she felt his touch, heard his voice.

She startles, looking up suddenly, gray eyes dark with shock and grief--

"... 'Bert."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

For a moment, all Cuthbert can do is look at her, frozen by what he sees in her eyes.

Then, without a word, he pulls her against himself, wrapping both arms around her.

[sai_delgado]

Her arms go around him in turn, and Susan clings to him as though she were drowning, mayhap, or as though to prevent him from vanishing like a dream.

She does not cry -- she is far past tears. Instead, Susan is silent, breathing harshly, in ragged gasps.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

For what seems like a long, long time, he does nothing but hold her, rocking gently back and forth.

At some point, he realizes he's more worried about her because she isn't crying.

Eventually, he pulls back just enough to look down at her, smoothing the curtain of hair away from her face.

"Susan--what--?"

He has a guess. He prays, but doesn't really hope, for it to be wrong.

[sai_delgado]

She shakes her head, blindly, silently.

(I'd not come between them)

Susan fears to speak, oh aye, for have not her words brought trouble upon them all before, and might now do so again?

(my hidden grief - you are the source of it)

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

"Susan--Sue, tell me. Please."

He cradles her cheek in one hand, keeping her face tipped up towards his.

"Is--is this because of Roland? Has he said or done something else?"

There's anger in his voice, but it's controlled. He's not going to go tearing off to confront Roland--not with Susan like this.

[sai_delgado]

And oh, but she hears the anger, even as she cannot repress a tiny flinch at the name. A little shrug, then a small nod,

"Aye. It were. We argued, 'tis all--"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

He shakes his head, suddenly fierce. "Don't. Don't you try and make light of this, Susan."

Roland...how can you keep doing this to her? How?

He wants to ask what was said, but he won't try and pull that out of her before she's ready to speak of it. Instead, he pulls her close again, resting his head against hers and holding her tightly.

[sai_delgado]

At his words, she jerks back suddenly, sharply, pulling away-- or trying, and there is clear pain in her words.

"Don't-- don't ye speak so, not ye also--"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

"Shh." He lets her pull away from his arms, but stays close to her, reaching to stroke her hair. "I'm sorry."

His anger is not what she needs to deal with right now, on top of her own pain. He squeezes his eyes shut and forces himself to breathe evenly.

[sai_delgado]

(stop playing the child)

She shuts her eyes for a long moment. When Susan speaks, then, her voice is low-- but clear.

"Nay, 'Bert -- cry yer pardon, I do. Thee meant no harm with yer words--"

(never mind with your sulky, mumbled words)

Her voice breaks, and she finishes helplessly,

"--cry yer pardon."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert slides one arm back around her, his other hand still moving through her hair. After a long moment, he speaks again.

"I--I'd understand if thee doesn't wish to talk about what was said, say true. But if you'd speak, I'd hear."

[sai_delgado]

"We argued."

(say what you'd like to whoever you'd like)

She leans against him and closes her eyes, desperately trying to regain some balance, accepting comfort.

(this is hell - you are the source of it)

"But I'd not have thee angry with him over it, 'Bert; I'll not be the cause of trouble between ye--"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

"I'd not have trouble between us. But if he's said something that's hurt you this badly..."

(I'd have thee look after her, sai Allgood)

Patrick Delgado's voice in his mind, from no more than a week ago. And his answer...

(As well as I may...I swear it on the guns of my own father)

If Roland's hurt Susan this badly, he has something to answer for. And Cuthbert means to see that he does.

[sai_delgado]

She's had time, between Roland's abrupt departure and now, to consider his words. Indeed, she has not stopped hearing them, over and over, say true.

"He-- he said many things, 'Bert, aye; mayhap not all unwarranted, but--"

A breath, then another, to steady herself.

"He were angry, that I questioned him, I think."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert sighs, closing his eyes again.

"If he won't talk to us, what can we do but question him?"

He tries to keep the anger out of his voice, and doesn't entirely succeed.

[sai_delgado]

And this draws a choked laugh from her.

"Aye -- ye say true, I'd have thought."

Susan hesitates, and then adds, as though the words are being dragged from her,

"I told him that his silence has done more harm than anything he could say."

And oh, but she may have been wrong-- but at the time, she had believed it.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

"And...how'd he respond to that?"

Only two ways he could have. More silence...or finally an end to it.

[sai_delgado]

(ye'd act like your Aunt Cord?)

Her gaze is firmly fixed on the grass.

"With words."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Bert smiles, a bit ruefully.

"You know, that reminds me of something I said to him, once, way back after you and I had spoken for the first time, here. I told him...I didn't know what his speaking to you of the Tower would do, but I'd seen what his silence was doing."

He leans forward, brushing a kiss against her forehead. "Looks like silence turned out less painful after all, in this case."

[sai_delgado]

She looks up at him, finally, and if her smile is a shadow of its usual self, still it is there to be seen.

"Mayhap-- but I'd rather know, have known, 'Bert, say true--"

(no more secrets)

"-- I thought it better so. 'No more secrets,' do'ee ken?"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

"Aye." He responds firmly. "Whatever was said between you--and I'll not press you if you'd not speak of it--better to have had it out, I think."

Not that that makes him any happier about the state she was in when he found her, or less angry at Roland for putting her there.

[sai_delgado]

"Aye." It's very nearly a sigh, in and of itself, and she's quiet again for long seconds.

"I asked him why he'd left us so."

Herself and Alain, she means, of course, although she doesn't think to clarify.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Bert watches her steadily, raising his eyebrows in a silent invitation to say on, if she will.

[sai_delgado]

It becomes a little easier, mayhap, to continue speaking as she does so. Softly, then, but clearly--

"He knew her already, do'ee ken? He said that he'd held palaver with sai Astarael before, and that she'd promised him relief, and so he went."

Without a word, oh aye, and still this upsets her, say true.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Bert nods.

"Going with her helped him...both you and Alain told me that."

And he's glad of that, for Roland's sake. He just...doesn't see why Roland's relief had to come at the cost of Alain and Susan's pain.

[sai_delgado]

And now her glance drifts aside, and her words slow.

"I-- I asked for his promise, 'Bert. That he'd not leave so again, without bidding us farewell... unless there were no way to avoid it."

She looks up at him, wanting to see his reaction.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Another nod. "Alain told me he asked the same."

And Cuthbert knows what Roland's like, sometimes...

"He didn't take kindly to being asked again, did he?"

[sai_delgado]

"Nay-- he didn't, say true."

(I expected better from you)

"Mayhap I were wrong to do it-- I don't know, now; Alain were more accepting--"

And now there is bitterness in her tone.

"And Alain is a gunslinger, oh aye, as are thee, and I'm not-- "

"... but I'm not a child."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Bert's jaw tightens a bit. "Did he call you such?"

He shakes his head firmly. "You're not a child. Younger than the rest of us, except for Jake, aye--but no child."

And he was the one who brought your childhood to an end.

[sai_delgado]

"He said a lot of things."

As had she, by the end of it. Weariness, grief, and bitter anger fight for ascendance, leaving her empty and lost, in the end.

"And if he says true, then we can't help him, 'Bert."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Bert gives her another questioning look. "No?"

The tangle of emotions shows through, and he tightens his arms around her, trying to give what comfort he can.

[sai_delgado]

"Nay--"

And now, finally, she begins to weep, as the cruel words and the vicious truths sink in-- as she hears again the whip-lash of his voice, castigating her for her ill-advised concern.

"Nay-- he called this place hell, and said that we -- all of us, do'ee ken? -- were but a source of grief to him--"

Susan buries her face in his shoulder then, crying, as her voice fails her entirely.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Bert winces, and holds her still tighter. After a moment, he speaks.

"I--I know it's been hard for him, seeing us all again. But...there's been good as well as ill, and he's said as much, in the past. I...I don't think he meant that, Susan. He can't have."

[sai_delgado]

"Thee didn't see him, 'Bert--" but she breaks off there, forcing herself to silence.

For even if so, what right does she have to steal his hope away? None, she thinks; ka has taken enough from them all, she'll not be party to taking anything further, not unless she must.

(nothing can stand against it)

Susan looks up at him, finally. "But mayhap ye've the right of it, 'Bert. He-- he were angry, and I as well; so mayhap-- mayhap so."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

"Aye, mayhap." He brushes at the tears on her cheeks and smoothes her hair back, and tries, without really succeeding, to smile. "Only time will tell, I suppose."

He glances around, then, as if he's becoming aware of their surroundings for the first time since seeing her. Perhaps he is.

"In the meantime, mayhap we should go in."

He doesn't ask if she wants him to stay with her, again. Thoughts of leaving her now couldn't be farther from his mind.

[sai_delgado]

Susan nods tiredly, worn out with the evening's strain.

"Aye-- it's late, I wot."

And a bit chill as well, here on the grass in the dark night of late spring. She uncurls, and starts to get to her feet.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Bert stands as well, keeping one arm around her, and she leans against him slightly as they head inside together.