(no subject)

[sai_delgado]

It's one of those rare late-autumn days when it's chill out, but not yet bitterly cold.

Susan's decided to take advantage of this by spending part of the afternoon out in the sun. To this end, she's spread out a blanket over the grass near the lake and sat down there.

It seemed a good idea, and she'd meant to watch the birds flying over the water for just a little while-- but oh, she's growing more and more tired of late--

(a place where I could rest)

--and now, Susan is curled up on the blanket, with a corner of it pulled over her to shield her from the breeze off the water, fast asleep.

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[a-fell.livejournal.com]

Aziraphael's been looking for her, but he's more than willing to wait. He has taken off his jacket and spread it on the grass, sitting down and reaching across her to pull the blanket more fully over her; somewhere along the way he got distracted, though.

Biting his lip and delicately working, he's attempting to gently tease a red autumn leaf out of her long hair.

[sai_delgado]

She's not very deeply asleep, and as light as the touch on her hair is, still Susan stirs slightly and turns toward him.

Eyelashes flutter as she blinks drowsily, looking up at him.

"...Aziraphael?"

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

He smiles down at her, and he's certainly looking rather happier than he has been on his infrequent visits, say true.

"Long days and pleasant naps, Susan dear."

[sai_delgado]

A sleepy, quickly-stifled giggle, and Susan begins to untangle herself from the blanket.

"And may ye have twice the number," she tells him as she sits up, smiling. "How do'ee fare?"

She's not quite fully awake yet, but she's getting there.

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

"All the better for seeing you, my dear." If you go by his smile, he's teasing, but it wouldn't do to put too much trust in such things. Because when his smile fades, just a little, the fond look in his eyes most certainly remains.

[sai_delgado]

And oh, but that's enough to wake her completely from her half-dreaming daze -- as though a splash of lake-water had hit her. Susan's smile fades, as well.

(I have had particular friends and lost them - it's impossibly hard)

She'd give almost anything to not have to say this -- for it not to be so, for there to be something, something to stay this pain, to keep it from him.

(ka is cruel)

And she knows that no matter what, ka is coming like a wind, as her da' had always said-- and that for it to be left a surprise would be no kindness.

Susan reaches out to take his hand, holding tightly.

"It's-- it's good to see thee as well, Aziraphael. I-- thee are so very dear-- thee know that, I hope?"

Her voice is shaking slightly.

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

"As you are to me."

He's still smiling slightly, but a small frown creases the skin just between his eyebrows as he squeezes her hand in return. For some unknown reason, the day seems a little cooler, all of a sudden. Wind ruffles the surface of the lake.

(it's the shadow, ka-shume)

He fractionally tightens his grip on her hand.

"Is everything alright?"

(and it can't-- it can't be prevented, I wot.)

[sai_delgado]

Susan shakes her head, mute at first as she looks at him.

(I've tried so hard - not to form attachments)

She remembers all too clearly what he had looked like after Crowley had died.

(he's always been there)

But Crowley had come back. She doesn't expect to -- none of them will. And he's an angel--

(it's not the same - the distance is impossible to overcome)

--and she's not, and right now it doesn't matter. Susan flings herself into his arms, holding tightly and trembling as she says,

"Nay, it's not-- it's not all right, and I can't -- I can't make it be so, not-- not with this--"

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

"Goodness, Susan!"

His arms automatically go around her, holding her tightly as he starts to gently rock her, whispering reassurances.

"Hush, my dear. It'll all be alright in the end. I'm not going anywhere."

[sai_delgado]

Her distinct flinch at his words is very clear--

(six thousand years)

--and her answer is barely a whisper.

"I am."

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

The gentle rocking motion ceases but his arms are still tight about her. It's likely for the best that she can't see his face - Aziraphael was never slow on the uptake. He's never been terribly good at self-deception, either.

(Nay-- I'd not think it so selfish, to not want to be hurt at such a loss, sai.)

Would that he were.





After a long moment of stillness he turns his head slightly, unnecessary breath stirring the hair by her ear. His voice is equally quiet, faintly hoarse.

"For good, naturally."

[sai_delgado]

"For-- for the clearing."

(peace of the clearing)

"Yer-- yer Heaven, as thee told me once."

She's still shivering, and not because of the season's cold.

"I-- I have to. We-- we all do."

And even softer, the merest breath of unhappy, miserable sound--

"Say sorry."

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

"You'll be happy there."

[sai_delgado]

"I know."

Oh and she does know -- he himself had told her, hadn't he?

(no secrets between souls)

Susan looks up at him now, and slow, silent tears are falling from the fog-gray eyes.

"I didn't think-- I didn't think it'd come so soon--"

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

He cups her face in his hand, his thumb brushing tears away.

"It would always have been too soon."

[sai_delgado]

"And I know-- I remember what thee told me before--"

And this is what makes this all so

(impossibly hard)

painful, that she should know what's to come with this. She's not told the others-- she couldn't bring herself to say it.

"I won't-- I won't see thee again, until--"

(Serenity)

"I won't see thee again after-- after I go, will I?"

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

"It would serve no purpose. It wouldn't be as it is."

Only the tremulous shadow twists in my hands.

The attempt at a smile cracks and fails, but his hand is still warm against her face and there's still love in his eyes.

Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.

"You won't need me, dear. And I'd remember you as you are."

It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one.

[sai_delgado]

A soft, choked whisper.

"I kennit."

She thinks, then, of a conversation with Michelle--

(your story - it exists - you live on in their minds)

"And-- and some part of me will-- will always be with thee, then."

A long hesitation, and the tears begin to fall faster.

"Oh, Aziraphael. Will I remember thee?"

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

His chest hitches as he remembers

I don't remember names.

when Sirius had returned, and his voice is choked and unsteady.





"Some part of you will. I'm - I'm sure."

Do I remember me?

[sai_delgado]

Susan stares at him, growing pale.

"Only some-- some part?"

Unconsiously, she starts shaking her head, golden hair flying into a cloud as she does.

"I don't-- I don't-- it's not fair, it's not, I want to remember thee, if I can't-- if I can't see thee again, I want to know thee were dear to me-- Aziraphael, please--"

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

Aziraphael will not lie to her, and he will not make promises he cannot keep. So he pulls her close again, rests his head against her shoulder.

"Let me do the remembering."

And he lifts his head, his cheek wet as it rests against hers, and turns his head to kiss her gently.

"I love you, Susan, dear."

[sai_delgado]

"And I love thee." She is crying freely now, holding tightly to the angel as if afraid he'll vanish in the next instant.

(no peace here - only more sorrow)

"I don't want to lose thee completely."

She's desperate now, searching for something, some way to fight this loss-- and then she thinks of something, and hope blazes.

"Yer-- Kassandra. Yer friend. She-- ye said she were sent here, because she thought of it as home -- and ye-- ye were her family? So-- so she'd have had to remember, even though -- even though she'd moved on?"

[a-fell.livejournal.com]

He pulls away again, cupping her face in his hand, smiling ever so slightly.

"She'd have had to."

He echoes her words, not entirely sure he believes them but willing to try.

"Don't let it worry you."

It'll all be one in any case, say true. Remember or no, she'll be happy.

There is no bad, in Heaven.

And that's something to hold on to.

[sai_delgado]

It is indeed.

(the peace of the clearing)

But for now, Susan holds on to the angel instead, resting her head against his shoulder as they sit beside the lake in the mid-afternoon sunlight, stealing what time she can.

She'll have to leave soon enough, she knows--

(endings are heartless)

--but not quite yet.