(no subject)

[sai_delgado]

She had come back to the little apartment a bit earlier than usual, after talking to Kitty about Caspian and Rilian, but she's not ready to sleep. She's not ready to try, although the weariness is there.

Still, when ye can't sleep, there's always work, she's found. And so, Susan is sitting at her desk, pen in hand and stable-record open in front of her. She's carefully and precisely making note of measures of hay and straw and grain, and the condition of the horses, as well as other things for her weekly reports.

If her thoughts drift occasionally to a friend and his bespelled son, mayhap it's only to be expected.

Comments

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

The first thing Susan is likely to notice when Cuthbert opens the door is that he's moving with a stiff slowness that's nothing like his usual deadly grace. He's moving like a man at least twice his age.

The second thing she's likely to notice is the utter lack of emotion on his face.

He says nothing, and doesn't look at her directly yet.

[sai_delgado]

It's the opening of the door that draws her attention, and she turns to face him with a welcoming smile-- and then she sees him.

The pen falls from her hand, splashing ink unnoticed across the page. Susan rises from her chair and takes a step toward him, reaching out a hand.

"...'Bert?"

Something's wrong, oh aye, and she's already trying to brace herself, trying to prepare for another as-yet unknown blow here--

(no peace to be found here)

--after an already long night.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert's still not looking at her. He casts his eyes about the room, as if searching for some excuse to avoid her gaze--and then, instead, his eyes fall on a picture on his desk--a picture of himself in a tutu, scowling at the camera.

He sucks in a gasping breath, and then finally looks up at Susan--

(couldn't save her couldn't save Deborah or Aileen couldn't save Meg)

--and then the stiffness falls away, his face crumbling, and somehow he manages to make it across the room to where she is before going down on his knees in front of her.

[sai_delgado]

She sinks back down into the chair as he kneels, both hands going out to draw him closer to her, to soothe, to offer comfort somehow in the face of whatever has happened to hurt him so.

There is a weight of dread on her heart even as she leans forward, golden hair falling forgotten over her shoulder.

"'Bert-- what's-- shhh, I'm here, I'm here-- "

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

He moves closer blindly, burying his face in Susan's lap, his hands fisting in the skirt of her dress. He's quiet, but his shoulders are shaking, and before long, her dress is damp.

The temptation to just stay like this is very, very strong. He doesn't want to tell her. Doesn't want to say it. But he knows he has to.

"Ah, gods, Susan--" He lifts his head, managing to look at her somehow. "I...it's bad. Very bad."

There's no way he can truly prepare her her for it, he knows.

[sai_delgado]

Her dress is tearstained now, as is Cuthbert's face, and it terrifies her utterly.

(it's bad - very bad)

There's very little, she knows, that could hurt him so. With one hand resting on his shoulder still, she lifts the other one-- shaking slightly, oh aye-- to cradle his cheek. It's hard to speak, to make lips numb with fear move, but somehow she manages it.

"Tell me. What-- whatever it is--"

(come whatever storms)

"--we'll find a way through it, somehow."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert leans into her hand, closing his eyes.

Maybe it makes him a coward, but he can't look at her while he says this.

"Meg...Meg was shot. In the greenhouse." Then, barely more than a ragged whisper, "She's dead."

[sai_delgado]

She is suddenly, absolutely still. Susan is chalk-white now, save for two spots of high color on her cheeks that seem almost to blaze in shocking contrast to her ashen pallor. She does not move.

"Nay."

One word, one lost sound falling into the ringing silence of the room.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert shakes his head helplessly, his eyes open now, moving to take her hands and twine his fingers through hers.

"I saw her."

[sai_delgado]

It's the shock, mayhap, that makes her hands so cold now. Susan begins to tremble slightly, eyes wide and questioning as she searches his face.

"But... Meg? How-- why-- everyone loves Meg, she were just-- we were just--"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

"I know."

He grips her hands tightly, his expression as bleak as his voice.

"I know, Sue."

[sai_delgado]

"Thee saw her?"

It's not a mistake.

(we're not supposed to make mistakes like that)

He wouldn't tell her this if he wasn't sure. And still, it all seems unreal, unclear, like a-- a nightmare, somehow. Susan is shaking her head, a small, helpless motion.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert nods wordlessly.

He can't bring himself to tell her the rest--to tell her about Anthy--just yet.

[sai_delgado]

He blurs in her vision, as her eyes fill with tears that will not be denied. She blinks them back, willing herself to be able to see clearly-- to see him clearly, as her hands tighten on his.

One falls, then another, trailing bright streaks down her face in a slow rain.

"Neutral ground," she whispers. "It were-- that's what it's supposed to be."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert flinches.

"I--I know. This wasn't supposed to--it was my job--"

He knows Susan didn't mean it that way. But he can't help but think, over and over, that he should have been there to protect Meg, and wasn't.

[sai_delgado]

A sharp, shocked breath, and she slides from the chair to the floor beside him, hugging him tightly now.

"Oh, 'Bert-- nay, don't-- don't think it, I didn't mean that, never-- it's not yer fault, 'Bert, it's not, it's -- it's whoever killed her, it's not thee--"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert leans against, her, closing his eyes again.

"I know. I just..." He trails off helplessly, not sure what he's trying to say.

Finally, he manages, "We just saw her dance this weekend."

[sai_delgado]

"The Opera."

Small and choked, one hand gently running up and down his back as her own tears fall harder.

"We were going to go back-- she were going to-- and now--"

A soft, ragged gasp, and she says, "I just-- we were just talking about Paris, last night. It's not fair."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

For several moments, Cuthbert just holds her, rocking back and forth slightly.

Then,

"There's, ah--there's more."

He draws in a deep breath, lets it out on the words. "When I found her, Anthy was trying to bury her. She had the gun."

[sai_delgado]

Susan stiffens in his arms.

(you got Anthy to use a weapon?)

"What?"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert's mouth presses into a thin line.

"She was with the body when I got there, trying to dig a grave. The gun was right next to her."

[sai_delgado]

"She-- nay-- but Meg--"

(it's never been only enemies that she harms)

Stunned shock, and a desperate wish to deny this, to make it not real. To make it all but a nightmare, a horrible, horrible nightmare.

(black rose - the Lord of Nightmare - Meg were harmed then)

"Anthy-- 'Bert, nay-- please-- do'ee think she--"

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert shakes his head, his expression bleak.

"I don't know. No one saw her before the gunshot--and she says she didn't--but I just don't know."

[sai_delgado]

(would ye kill her if ye could?)

She'd asked a question of Roland, long ago, and his response had been sure and certain.

(I would)

It almost hurts more to hear Cuthbert express doubt. Hope, she finds, is painful.

(things have changed)

Susan closes her eyes, holding tightly to him.

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert buries his face in her hair, holding her tight.

"I'm so sorry, Susan."

[sai_delgado]

"It's not yer fault," she whispers, clinging to him.

"And I'm sorry too."

[key-youth-bert.livejournal.com]

Cuthbert closes his eyes again, leaning against Susan and supporting at the same time.

The two of them huddle on the floor together, finding what little comfort they can in each other's arms.